Recovering from Infidelity Through Sex & Relationship Therapy

By Trisha Andrews, LMFT, CST

Co-Founder and Clinical Training Director, Dalliance Sexual Wellness Collective

People aren’t necessarily looking for someone else. 

Instead, they look to BE someone else.

I feel like my entire world has been flipped upside down. How can we ever move on from this?

I will never be able to trust my own intuition ever again. How did I not see this coming?

I don’t even know who my partner is anymore. Did they ever love me? 

We are having more frequent and intense sex than ever before. Why do I want to have sex with someone who cheated on me?

Have you discovered that your partner has been unfaithful? As the injured partner you may be wondering how you will ever view your partner as trustworthy ever again. You may feel like everything is out of control and have no idea what the future holds for your relationship. You are probably experiencing a range of emotions including anger, fear, grief, shame, anxiety, and maybe even numbness. You may be withdrawing from your partner at one moment and then making sexual advances in an attempt to feel normal and desired. Every thought, feeling and behavior you’re experiencing is normal. 

Are you the affair partner? You may be experiencing intense guilt, shame, regret and loneliness. You want to take your partner’s pain away, but it’s complicated when you’re the one who caused the pain. You want to do everything in your power to make it right – except talking about the affair incessantly because that just leads to more conflict. Maybe, you, too, are experiencing some loss having ended a relationship and feeling isolated in that grief. Every thought, feeling and behavior you are feeling is normal.

Humans thrive on safety, predictability, security – infidelity is a traumatic event that disrupts every aspect of your life.

When infidelity is at play, forgiveness cannot exist without empathy. BOTH partners need to truly understand their partner’s lived experience. The injured partner needs to understand why the offending partner felt compelled to step outside the relationship without excusing the behavior. The offending partner needs to hear the injured partner’s pain without defensiveness or shutting down. 

To thoroughly recover from infidelity, couples need to create a mutual understanding of how the affair happened. When people cheat, its more about exploring a part or version of the betrayer that for whatever reason they feel they can’t share within their current relationship. The behavior is not excused, understanding the context behind the behavior can lead to healing for both partners. 

The motivation for anyone to cheat is a greater sense of connection — sexually, physically or emotionally – Tammy Nelson 

When working with trained relationship and sex therapists, couples can:

1. Create a safe place to process the betrayal and make meaning of the painful emotions

2. Get a deeper understanding of how the affair came about

3. Come to a well-informed decision about the future of the relationship

4. Deepen the relational intimacy to move beyond the infidelity and into a mutually satisfying sexual relationship

As sex and relationships therapists, we are uniquely positioned to help couples process not only the betrayal, but dig into the couple’s sexual history and help them understand where and when their intimate lives diverged.

Through a three-stage therapeutic approach, our highly trained relationship and sex therapists support couples struggling in the aftermath of infidelity.

• Stage 1: The Crisis Stage

• Deal with the intense and often confusing range of emotions 

• Learn how to communicate about the hard stuff and flashbacks

• Figure out how to parent, work, and simply function in daily life

• Determine how much to share with family and friends

• Create individual self-care plans to weather the storm

• Set boundaries on when and how to process the betrayal

• Manage boundaries and expectations around the affair partner

Once the initial trauma has been processed and contained, couples are able to take the emotionality out of the affair to create a shared narrative about the meaning behind the affair.

• Stage 2: The Meaning Stage

• Get a deep understanding of how and why the infidelity occurred

• Create a shared, cohesive narrative about why the event occurred so they have a better understanding of what needs to happen to move forward

• Create space for empathic understanding of each partner’s experience with the betrayal 

• Re-establish safety and security

Once the couple has a shared understanding and empathy for the infidelity, they can make an informed decision about how to move forward with the relationship – be it together or separate.

• Stage 3: The Moving Forward Stage

• Move beyond the infidelity in a way that it no longer feels like a controlling factor in the couple’s lives

• Help couples establish what forgiveness looks like

• Come to a well-informed decision on the future of the relationship

• Should the couple choose to stay together, we move into reimagining the relationship by creating a new monogamy agreement

Therapy is a valuable tool in the aftermath of infidelity because it offers a structured, supportive environment to address the complexities of the situation and work toward healing and growth. Ideally, working with a therapist who is specifically trained in working with couples and sexuality is key to healing after infidelity. Our therapists at Dalliance Sexual Wellness Collective are highly skilled in working with couples who are looking to heal after infidelity.